Violence and Non-violence

Today has offered a challenge. How to cope with viciousness, racism, misogyny, and violence inflicted with hate and persistence in a public venue with witnesses who stood silent, stony, and without acknowledgment of my existence, the man's, or his threats.

It rubbed an old nerve raw. It resurrected feelings of victimization. I shrugged it off as nonsense. And I questioned my powers of perception.

The facts: I walked into Safeway feeling quite upbeat after a good start of the day and looking forward to a good workout and some concentrated work later. Feeling on top of things, I decided to treat my self to a coffee at the espresso stand inside the store (a rarity). No one stood in line. So, I stood in front of the counter waiting patiently for the barista to finish the drink she was making for the previous customer. There was a bagel bag on the counter. I thought nothing of this.

At about the same time, three men walked up: two middle age men, one African-American, and one who could have been Native American, Latino, mixed race, or something else completely. These two stood a distance away, waiting their turn. The third man was another story. He was a young Asian man, possibly mixed-race, 20's, several inches taller than I. He walked up to me from the magazine aisle, directly at me, took my cart and moved it away and walked to stand in front of me. He waved his magazine, picked up the bagel bag and set it down again. I smiled, acknowledging that he must have been there first, and I stepped back. He looked directly at me and said, in a low voice, "never trust a white woman".

It wasn't clear if he were a little mentally ill crazy or simply full of hate crazy. But he eyed me several times, snorted with disgust, and then began what I first thought were weird leg-tic movements. Then I realized he was in control of his limbs, and very purposefully aiming controlled karate kicks at my knees and lower legs and grinning at me with malice. He said some other things in his low, whispery voice, but I ignored them, as I did him. It crossed my mind to leave and come back, but decided he wasn't actually going to hurt me, and I wasn't going to be bullied into giving him the satisfaction of having his hate rewarded. He wanted me to fear him, and I didn't completely fear him. There was something telling me to call bullshit on him.

Maybe it was more the woman in me than the white person. Who knows? He had issues with both. What he stood for I despise. What he stood for is what's wreaking havoc at our end of town and in our world. I got off the self-righteous train pretty quickly standing there. It was good not to go to that place and stay. I just wanted a cup of coffee.

As he continued his barrage of hate, I looked at the men behind us to see if they were registering any of this, if they agreed with him, if they supported me, or what their reaction was. Both men stared straight in front of themselves "seeing nothing". The African American man frowned or scowled slightly, but not at the young man or at me or the circumstances. His look seemed to say, "I'm not your friend" for a moment and then it seemed to say nothing. The other man stood expressionless and unreadable.

The young man got his drink, made another comment to me, moved off and got his drink as I ordered; then passed by again to say something else. I had a friendly interchange with the barista, took my drink, watched as the two older men played the gentleman with each other when indicating whom should go next, and walked off to do my shopping.

I walked past the angry, hateful one on the way to the bread and a few minutes later passing the frozen foods. He tried to say something loud enough for me to hear both time without others hearing him nearby, but I was too far away. He watched me walk past. I watched him out of the corner of my eye and ignored him.

I avoided going back toward the front of the store until time to checkout. I looked around to see if he were there and wondered if he were if I would ask for an escort to my car. He wasn't, so I didn't have to answer that question.

I asked myself whether I thought he would have really hurt me. This is when the threat really struck. I realized he really would have if he would not have suffered any consequences. If I'd been alone somewhere when he'd come upon me, he would have hurt me, with rage and hate. Even though the two men witnessing his violent expressions and threats pretended not to see anything and made no move to intervene or to stop him, he knew someone in that store would have done something to him if he'd actually kicked me or yelled the things he was saying. He felt restrained. He did not feel free to do what he wanted and get away with it. He didn't want anyone to do to him what he was doing to me.

When do I do to others what I don't want anyone to do to me?