BEIGE

Please, please explain the phenomenon of new homes with BEIGE VINYL SIDING? Some seem like nice, reasonably-sized houses; others are McMonsters taking up every scrap of land from one set-back to another on a piece of property. Some have simple layouts; others loom box-like and ill on the road-side. The most fascinating (in the same sense as watching a train-wreck) of these new structures are those with interesting, even artistic design elements. You watch them rising from the ground with curved staircases, archways, nooks, high-end wooden doors, picture windows... and then, right as the builder finishes up this new architectural being, he suffocates it in BEIGE VINYL SIDING.

Is the government giving this stuff away as surplus? Is there some hope that the beige, vinyl siding manufacturers are all going out of business (and therefore will never ever make this stuff again) and are selling their inventories off at 10 cents a piece?

It's HIDEOUS! H-I-D-E-O-U-S!

If your architect does this to your home, report her. Surely there is a license revocation procedure for installing BEIGE VINYL SIDING.

I understand budgets (boy, do I). So I understand leaving the stuff on your house if it was already there when you bought your house (and you are therefore too broke to replace it). But these are NEW houses. Presumably if you're building a new house, you have money or outstanding credit (hint, loan agencies) and are interested in a solid housing investment? For those of you with style and fashion challenged senses, BEIGE VINYL SIDING is the equivalent of ill-fitting, low quality polyester pantsuits from about three decades ago in prison green stretched over a form three sizes too large.

For all you new home builders out there: Spare the eyesore. Raise your property values. Lift your spirits. Love your neighbors. Use a real color. Use a natural material.

For all of you already in a home with vinyl, beige or otherwise, well, be thankful for having a home, plant lots of trees and flowers, and paint the inside of your house in vivid, beautiful colors. (And resist the urge to spray paint those new beige things going up all around you.)

Okay, I feel better now.